little johney

A female teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class of 3rd grade. The
boy said Mam, I should be in 4th grade, I'm smarter than my sister and she is in
the 4th grade'.

The Mam{Teacher} had heard enough of his complains & took the boy to the
Principal' s office. She explainedeverything to the Principal who decided
to test the boy with some questions that a 4th grade should know.

Principal: What's 3+3 ?
Boy: 6
Principal: 6+6?
Boy: 12
& so on..!!
The Principal asked the boy many questions and the boy got them right.

The Principal then asked Mam to send the boy to 4th grade.

Mam decided to ask some more questions & the Principal Agreed.

Mam: What does a cow have 4 of, that I've only 2 of?
Boy: Legs.

Mam: What's in your pants that you have but I don't have?
Boy: Pockets

Mam: What starts with a C & ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious & contains thin
whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.

Mam: What goes in hard & pink then comes out soft & sticky?
*The principal' s eyes open really wide, but before he could stop the answer,
the boy was taking charge..*
Boy: Bubble Gum.

Mam: you stick ur poles inside me. you tie me down to get me up, I get wet
before you do. What am I?
Boy: Tent.

*The principal was looking restless*

Mam: A finger goes in me. you fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me 1st n what am I?
Boy: Wedding Ring

M'am: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me,you feel good?
Boy: Nose.

M'am: I've a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates , I come with a quiver ?
Boy: Arrow.

M'am: What starts wit 'F' & ends with a 'K' & if u don't get it, you've 2 use ur
hand?
Boy:Fork

M'am: Whats it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others,
the Pope doesn't use his & a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.

M'am: What part of the man has no bone, but has muscles with a lot of
veins like pumpin & is responsible for making love??
Boy: Heart.

-The principal breathed a sigh of relief & told the teacher:
'Send the boy to University , I got the last 10 questions wrong myself !!!!"

Love And Time

 Love And Time

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived:

Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love.

One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all constructed boats and left. Except for Love.

Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment.

When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help.

Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?"

Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautifulvessel.
"Vanity, please help me!"
"I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage myboat," Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked, "Sadness, let me go with you."
"Oh . . . Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"

Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her.

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come, Love, I will take you."
It was an elder. So blessed and overjoyed,
Love even forgot to ask the elder where they were going.
When they arrived at dry land,
the elder went her own way. Realizing how much was owed the elder,

Love asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who Helped me?"
"It was Time," Knowledge answered.
"Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?"
Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is."

Dear santa.......

Dear Santa,

I don't want much for Christmas, I just want the person reading this to be happy. Friends are the fruit cake of life -- some nutty, some soaked in alcohol, some sweet, but mix them together and they're my friends. At Christmas you always hear people talking about what they want & bought. This is what I want: I want people who are sick with no cure to be able to be cured. Fast recove...ry for those who are sick. I want children with no parents nor families to be adopted; and same goes to the elders living alone in some cold cold place. I want people to never have to worry about food, shelter & heat. I want peace and love for everyone!

Thank you Santa

Mujhe mere Doston se bachao....

Mujhe mere kameeney doston se bachao......

under construction...... coming soon....

The Golden Saloon

The Golden Saloon

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."

"Bullshit! There's no such place!"

Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

Sacrifice....

Giving so to others may live - The Power of Sacrifice



Sacrifice is in the very order of
nature. if the seed didn’t sacrifice itself, it wouldn’t become a seedling. The
bud dies so that the flower can bloom, and the flower dies to yield fruit.
Human society too progresses only to the extent it is willing to sacrifice for
the larger good


Have you heard the story of Punyakoti, the noble
cow who kept her tryst with a tiger because she had given her word to the
beast? Punyakoti, once waylaid by the hungry tiger in the forest, is almost
devoured by the latter but she implores the tiger to give her time off to go
feed her calves who are waiting for her at home. She promises to come back to
the forest and offer herself as food to the tiger once she has done her duty by
them. Intrigued by this unusual promise and impressed with Punyakoti’s
sincerity, the tiger lets her go, more or less reconciling to finding another
prey for the day. However, to his amazement, Punyakoti comes back after making
suitable arrangements for her calves to be taken care of after her death. “Why
did you come back?” asks the nonplussed tiger, “only to be killed and eaten up
by me, when you could have easily escaped?” “I am your food for the day,” says
she, “how can I deny you your right? It is your dharma to kill and eat, and my
dharma to uphold dharma – irrespective of whether it is yours or mine. I had
given you my word, hadn’t I? Now please feast on me as much as you wish.” The
tiger, shaken to the core by Punyakoti’s sincerity and implicit adherence to
‘dharma’, is instantly transformed. He jumps off a high cliff and kills himself
rather than continue leading a life of killing.


I remember there wasn’t a single dry eye in the 5th Standard class when this
Kannada poem was recited and explained dramatically by our teacher. Back then,
Punyakoti moved innocent 10-year-olds to tears year after year. We sobbed at
the vision of her helpless calves imploring her to stay back, cursed the tiger
for choosing her as his food, and sobbed again as the tiger jumped off the
cliff unable to bear so much goodness. Now, the larger and nobler aspects of
Punyakoti’s story appeal to me – her selflessness, sincerity and commitment to
‘truth’ that could melt the heart
of a beast. She had
no agenda for her own survival; being the tiger’s food for the day came as
naturally to her as caring for her calves. Punyakoti, for me, is the epitome of
sacrifice.


And so are Mother Teresa, Bhagat Singh, and my housekeeper’s son who walks to
school so that he may save the bus fare to buy a candy for his younger sister.


What is it about sacrifice, large or small or insignificant, that tugs at our
hearts and leaves the sacrificer ennobled in our eyes? Why is ‘sacrifice’
highly rated as a virtue, worthy of being developed and emulated? How can an
entire religion be sustained by the figure of Christ nailed to a cross? Surely
a matter worth exploration.....

Courtasy: Sachin Shenoy.

Alcohol Slang Terms

Alcohol Slang Terms

1. Booze : Booze is a slang for alcoholic beverage.It is one of the most widely used slang for alcohol.
2. Porch Climber : A Canadian slang, Porch climber refers to someone who is extremely drunk or in the state of intoxication.
3. Do It Fluid : Alcoholic beverages are often referred to as Do it fluid as well. Another slang term for alcohol.
4. Giggle juice : Giggle juice is a collective term for any alcoholic beverage that has the ability to instigate frivolity or laughter.
5. Fire water : Alcohol that is so strong it burns on the way down. Whiskey is mostly referred to as fire water by many.
6. Hooch : Hooch is a slang term that is usually refers home-made liquor.
7. Junkst : If you are tight on money this is what you might end up drinking. Junkst is a slang for cheap alcohol.
8. Beast : Surprisingly the word “beast” is a slang term for any cheap beer. This slang originate from the beer “Milwaukee’s Best.”
9. Hammered : A word used to define someone who is intoxicated beyond drunk.
10. Tanked : A informal way of saying someone is excessively drunk.
11. Wasted : One of the most widely used slang to describe one’s drunkeness.
12. Plastered : Same as wasted. Heavily under the influence of alcohol.
13. Canned : Although this word is used to define other situations such as getting fired among many, it is often used to describe alcohol intoxication.
14. Three sheets to the wind : This old saying indicating how a person walk after having too much to drink originated in New England.
15. Barfly : Slang used to describe a female who acts slutty at a bar looking for attention.
16. Chugging : A word that is used to define power drinking or loading up on alcohol.
17. Sloshed : Another alcohol related slang which is synonymous with slangs such as hammered.
18. Boozehound : Someone who likes to drink alcohol to quite an extent.
19. Housed : Extremely drunk.
20. Wet one’s whistle : To consume a beverage of some sort to clean one’s pallet.
21. Souse : Not spouse . A person who drinks copious amounts of liquor.
22. Boozy : Someone who drinks past the point of being tipsy but is not quite drunk.
23. Juiced up : Similar to hammered, wasted, etc. Someone who is drunk.
24. Crocked : An informal way of saying someone is drunk.
25. yak : Cognac is often referred to by some as Yak.

DIFFICULT, VERY DIFFICULT, IMPOSSIBLE

following items below that I think may be of some interest to you.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Nope, no more beer for me.
2. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
3. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
4. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

40 Things Every Drunkard should Do....

A Man is, ultimately the sum of his accomplishments.

Each culture, of course, has a different idea as to what rates as an accomplishment. Muslims, for example, put a tremendous amount of stock into making a pilgrimage to Mecca, while generations of Frenchmen have taken great pride in not tripping over their discarded rifles while fleeing the Germans.

The subculture of avid drinkers, living as we do by our own set of rules and priorities, has an entirely different idea altogether, to the degree that our notion of a goal worth achieving may well appear bad behavior or even a criminal offense to the parent culture.

I think it a sad sign of the times that, in this age of entrenched nannyism and political correctness, a person is more likely to be judged by what he refrained from doing than what he actually did. It’s no longer important that you climbed the mountain, but rather how many boulders you didn't “accidentally” dislodge and let roll down on the less daring hunkered in the valley below.

Fortunately, imbibers have historically been immune to popular opinion, so hence this list. If you manage all forty before you take a barstool at St. Gabriel’s Pearly Gate Lounge, you may feel secure in the fact that you’ve lived a rich and full life, even if only the boys and girls down at happy hour think so. And when you do belly up to that big open bar in the sky and the bartender asks: “What sort of life did you lead?” you can look him right in the eye and say, “Gabe, baby, I’m glad this is eternity, because I’ve got a helluva lot of stories to tell.”



1.) Open and close a bar.
Find one that opens its doors before noon. Stake out a comfortable seat and hunker down. Resist informing the bartender of your tremendous plan, as this will cause him to pour waves of pre-celebratory shots and you won’t survive happy hour. Pacing is everything. Watch the crowds come and go, watch bartenders rise, reign and fade while you remain like a cagey Methuselah. From that day forward, within the walls of that bar at least, your name will be legend.

2.) Go on a bender.

I don’t mean a weekend binge. I’m talking a full-bore, hooch-bent, screw-work hoolihan. Dangerous, yes, but so is getting out of bed in the morning. True benders have gone the way of the snap brim fedora, which makes them all the greater currency in the world of drunks. It won’t be easy. You must start drinking the moment you wake up and carry on until you go under. Then start over again. In your grandfather’s day you had to drink two weeks straight before you could officially declare yourself on a proper jag, but that’s when a mug of beer cost a nickel. These days four straight days and nights will give you all the bragging rights you need.

3.) Drink a fifth of hard liquor, by yourself, in one day.
For some this is a typical evening, the rest will have to try harder. Unplug the phone, don’t answer the door and get down with your bad self. Stock up on ice, gather mixers if you need them, crack the seal and, inch by inch, take that proud bottle down. Take your own sweet time. Near the bottom you will discover a rich inner landscape you thought a barren desert. Explore it.

4.) Dance like a fool in front of a large hooting crowd.
Cast aside your fear of public opinion, march to the center of the room’s attention and boogie down. You don’t need a partner, you don’t even need music, do a happy jig to the beat of your own drum. Of course, it helps to be really really drunk.

5.) Spend a night in the drunk tank.


While getting captured by the Man goes against the most primal of drunkard instincts, if you’re putting your time and liquor in, it’s going to happen. Make the most of the experience. Pretend you’re Cool Hand Luke. And don’t refrain from telling your friends: Among drunks, the real ones anyway, a night in the tank is a very large feather in the drinking cap.

6.) Get drunk on the grave of your hero.
Wait until the cemetery closes for the night, then slip over the fence with a bottle of something strong. Prop your back against the gravestone and tell your hero how much he inspired you, how he changed your life, revel in the fact that your inspiration is only six feet of hard-packed earth away. It’ll be the greatest one-sided conversation you’ll ever have. Then pass out. Let the groundskeeper be your alarm clock.

7.) Buy a crowded bar a round.
For no reason at all. Jump up on a barstool and shout it loud: “A round for the house! On me!” Make sure you have a good toast ready, because, for once, they’ll all be listening.

8.) Embark on an impromptu road trip.
Out of the blue, propose a trip to Las Vegas, The Great Wall of China, JFK’s grave or for the love of God, the Two-Headed Cattle Museum. It doesn’t really matter where, the joy is in the journey. There’s nothing like a sudden burst of irresponsible freedom to shake up your worldview. It will be an adventure you’ll never forget or get tired of talking about.

9.) Get 86’d from a bar.
There are generally two types of drunkards in the world: Those that get 86’d a lot and those who never do. If you’re the latter, you’re missing out on a very special feeling. A man with any character at all must have enemies and places he is not welcome—in the end we are not only defined by our friends, but also those aligned against us. So choose the type of bar you loathe. Get remorselessly smashed on tequila. Let your lizard brain do your talking. Splash the kerosene, drop the match and watch the bridge burn. Few sentences in the English language bespeak a mysterious dark side than: “I’m not allowed in there. And, quite frankly, I don’t blame them.”

10.) Extravagantly overtip a bartender.
The next time a bartender is especially kind or proficient, lay a massive tip on her. I mean, massive. You must be relatively sober or they’ll discount the act as drunken foolishness. Say something smooth like, “You’re the best of your kind,” drop the bomb, and—this is important—walk out of the bar without another word. With this single act of unexpected generosity, you will restore a bartender’s faith in humanity and give your own self-image a healthy boost.

11.) Walk up to an attractive stranger way out of your league and buy him or her a drink.
You always wanted to do it. You’ve enviously watched your smooth friends do it. Now it’s your turn. The fear is nowhere proportionate to the risk to your ego (she’s out of your league, remember?), yet it still requires a certain amount of courage. It’s akin to sticking your hand down into the garbage disposal. The thing isn’t going to turn on by itself, but still...

12.) Conspire an afterhours at your favorite bar.
I’m not talking about them letting you have a quick one in the back while they’re cleaning up. I’m talking about drinking until the sun creeps through the shut blinds. It takes a lot of time and tips to earn the privilege, but there’s nothing quite like it.

13.) Make your best friend a perfect martini.
I mean perfect. Employ the proper utensils and the highest-end liquor you can afford. Follow an old-school recipe and take your time. You know how a handmade present from a child always warms the heart of a parent more than the most expensive gift? Same deal. Just a little something for all the times your pal bailed you out. And after your friend has enjoyed your sublime creation, make yourself one, you magnificent bastard.

14.) Buy, build or steal a home bar.
Put the well right in your home. Outfit it with many sparkling bottles, accruement and tools. Sit on your barstool with a grossly over-poured cocktail and think: “This is my bar. No one can cut me off, no one can kick me out, none but the floor can announce last call.” You’ve been a sharecropper long enough. Get your own plot of land.

15.) Get carried home by your drinking buddies.
In the company of friends you can trust, get fantastically loaded to the point you cannot stand, nevermind walk. Let them brace you from both sides and carry you homeward. Sing like an Irish uncle. Swear love and fealty to your human crutches. These are the bonds that never break.

16.) Get drunk with your father.
Getting loaded with the man who brought you into this world is one of the most deeply mystical experiences a human being can manage. If you can’t get your father to commit, find an elder you respect.

17.) Fight a good fight.
Samuel Johnson said “Every man thinks meanly of himself for not having been a soldier, or not having been at sea.” Men who go to their graves without ever getting into a fistfight undoubtedly feel the same way. How many times have you gone home thinking, “Damn, I should have clocked that asshole.” Next time, do it. Swing first, swing hard, and make sure you’re in the right. You may not win, but at least you were in there swinging. Fear of losing a fight never stopped Bukowski and neither should it stop you.

18.) Visit the source of your favorite beer, wine or liquor.

Make a pilgrimage to the headwaters. Follow the river that’s fed you joy to its source. Stand amongst the vats and barrels and absorb the knowledge that this is the spring from which the good times flow. Drink as many free samples as they’ll give you. It might mean a trip to Dublin or Tennessee, but from that moment on you can gaze into your glass and think, “Lad, I met your mother.”

19.) Drunkenly watch the sun come up with your best boozing buddies and a bottle.
You’ve spent plenty of time railing against the dying of the light, this time welcome its birth. With a shot.

20.) Sit in on an A.A. meeting.
Not all accomplishments are rum and games. File this under the heading of facing your fears. Just as Jonah found enlightenment in the belly of a beast, so will you. You may come to look at it as a sober examination of the safety net (or trampoline, as the case may be). You may view it as a cautionary trip to hell. Either way, you’ll never have to wonder again.

21.) Hit a dozen bars in one night.
Make like Marco Polo. Instead of eating one lousy apple, take a bite out of a dozen exotic fruits. Chase the ever elusive good time. A rolling stone gathers no bar tabs.

22.) Try at least one hundred different drinks.
Too often we drunks get trapped in a rut, forgetting there is a wide and golden world of forgotten cocktails, strangely-hued beers, mysterious liquors and wines from places we cannot pronounce. Explore the world from your barstool. One need only thumb through a bartender’s guide to realize how wide that world is. And when you return to your rut, and you probably will, you’ll appreciate just how good home can be after months on the road.

23.) Get loaded in the land of your forefathers.
Return to the land from whence your blood sprang, sit down to drinks with those your bold forefathers left behind.

24.) Juice on the job.
You will never comprehend just how pleasurable the workaday grind can be until you bring your old chum alcohol along. You don’t have to get boss-punching drunk, just sneak enough to loosen up that tight harness. It’ll make you wish you worked for a drinking magazine.

25.) Split a magnum of expensive champagne with your true love.
Do it up like F. Scott and Zelda before they went crazy. Realize that this is one of the precious few times you can get swizzled in front of your better half and she’ll think it’s wonderfully romantic.

26.) Give a hobo hundred bucks.
Make him promise he’s going to spend it on hooch. It won’t be a hard sell. Hundred bucks is the price of a crappy shirt to you, to our alley brethren it’s a gift from the gods.

27.) Get loaded and tell your boss exactly how you feel.
It could go down at the company picnic, the Christmas party, or maybe, if you’re really going after Accomplishment #24, right at the office. It’s tremendously cathartic. Years of stress and bitterness will drop from your shoulders and for the first time, after you’re done unloading, you will see your employer as an actual human being. You may very well get fired, but hey, if you’re angry enough to go berserk on your boss, you need to get a new job anyway.

28.) Send a friend a bottle of good liquor.
Apropos of nothing and don’t tell him it’s coming. Attach a card reading: “Tonight the drinks are on me.” He will never forget it. There is no better feeling than unexpected free booze.

29.) Eat a pickled egg from the big jar.
A bar must own a certain amount of character to carry the big jar. Maybe you’ve seen one. A jar large enough to hold Jay Leno’s head, populated with slightly off-color eggs floating in a murky fluid. You always wondered what they tasted like and it’s time to find out.

30.) Go on a fishing trip with your pals.
Ensure you bring enough beer and liquor to paralyze the nation. Fishing tackle is optional. Drink near a body of water (you don’t actually have to come in contact or even see the water, but it should be nearby), then, when night falls, build a huge campfire. There is nothing more conducive to male bonding and rampant drinking than a campfire. Trust me, strip clubs come in a distant second.

31.) Eat the worm.
It’s a cliche, but so are strippers at a bachelor party. It must be done. The last thing you want to do is mutter a half-hearted lie to your grand kids when they squeal, “Gramps, did you eat the worm?”

32.) Learn at least one traditional drinking song.
Ethnically fractured and mixed as we are, we have lost the art of the booze ballad. Watch a European football match on television and first thing you notice is the fans know one hell of a lot of songs. All we Indians can manage is the “Jai Ho” song and chants of “jeetega bhai jeetega” Sure, we all know the words of Ring of Fire by rote, but what of The Pub with No Beer, My Lip Is on the Cup, and Drunk Last Night, Drunk the Night Before? Also, there’s nothing like a table of drunks bellowing an unidentifiable song in unison to scare the bejesus out of the bar staff.

33.) Steal some booze.
Against the law? Sure. A hell of a rush? Absolutely. Of course, not getting caught is very important. Plan well. Nothing tastes quite so sweet.

34.) Spend half a paycheck on a single bottle of liquor.
So much money for so little booze. We’ve spent our lives learning the art of getting the most stagger out of the smallest investment. We’ve heard rumors of those insanely expensive bottles, but they might as well sell them on Mars. Out of spite, you’ve probably told yourself: “Screw that—booze is booze. What’s it gonna do, get me five times drunker?” In a better world, maybe. Depending upon the sensitivity of your palette, however, you may come to understand that the rich really do have it better than us. And when I say better, I mean they can afford better booze.

35.) Start your long-awaited and very personal autobiography: Me and the Booze: A Love Story.
You don’t have to finish it. Very few do. The point is, the very act of starting an autobiography means you think you’ve lived an exciting enough life to deserve one. Strive for that day.

36.) Call your friends after getting drunk
Call your close friends after getting drunk. 2am to 5 am is the perfect time. disturb them as much as possible and blame it on the alcohol. there was a old man in Dubai who had called the fire department after getting derunk as many as 900 times.

37.) Puke in your friends Car
Bless your friends car, one of the best accomplishment you can ever have as a drunk. I was a lone proud puker untill recently few of my friends followed me within couple of days. may be a cospiracy going on to sack me from the ABKS .

38.) Work at least a week as a bartender.
You’ll never fully understand the drinking culture as a whole until you’ve spent some time on the supply side of the wood. The empathy it will lever into your psyche will change your bar behavior forever.

39.) Make your own beer, wine or moonshine.
There are fewer finer feelings in the world than to nurture booze from it’s humble, evil-tasting origins to something you can get hammered on. Just expect to repeat these words over and over again when you go mad on the blood of your creation: “I made this! Me! And now I’m drinking it! Woo-hoo!”

40.) Go to your place of worship loaded.
Not so loaded they’ll finger you as a walking incarnation of Demon Rum, just enough to make the droning sermons lip-bitingly hilarious. It’s often said that liquor can bring you closer to God, so just think how close you’ll be when you’re hammered in his house.

hope you enjoyed.
(The author would like to thank Luke Schmaltz for his contribution)

I’m Psychic! I Have a Degree!

I am a psychic. Need proof? Here’s my degree from the Psychic School of Being Psychic.






See that degree. Does it convince you? Good. Most psychics don’t even have a degree. They just tell you they are psychic and you’ll actually believe them without proper documentation. And yes, my degree in “whorascopez” is totally legitimate documentation that I indeed possess psychic powers.

Because I am a benevolent psychic (unlike that lying bitch Miss Cleo, she wasn’t even born in Jamaica!) I won’t even charge for my services. Unlike those lame-ass psychics that release daily horoscopes, I’m going to release a yearly one. How can a yearly prediction apply to every single person born in a monthly period? I don’t know. My psychic-ology 101 professor sucked. I think it has something to do with stars and making really vague predictions.

Here are my predictions! Be sure to heed them. These things could possibly happen to you!

Aries: 3/21-4/19

The one night this year that you think drinking a lot of alcohol is a great idea, it isn’t. Drinking is fun, getting charged for indecent exposure isn’t. Sipping on alcohol equates to sipping on sadness for you.

Taurus: 4/20-5/20

Despite the friendly appearance of the candy van you see this year, avoid it. The only candy you’ll be getting from that van is chloroform.

Gemini: 5/21-6/20

Hey Gemini women, don’t be afraid by that creepy guy that’s hitting on you. That’s just me!

Cancer: 6/21-7/22

You’ll try out for the cast of Jersey Shore. Unfortunately for you, you actually tried out for “Jersey Whore.” Fortunately for the Internet, the video of your audition leaked. Sorry!

Leo: 7/23-8/22

You’ll be getting an e-mail from a deposed prince of Nigeria. Trust him! The treasure is yours!

Virgo: 8/23-9/22

The first time you find yellow snow, eat it! Someone just spilled lemonade on the ground!

Libra: 9/23-10/22

Yes, you’ll like a new Justin Bieber song this year. Don’t cry. Don’t be mad at me either, I’m just the messenger.

Scorpio: 10/23-11/21

You will find the girl of your dreams! Unfortunately, she is just an anime character. Damn, maybe next year.
Sagittarius: 11/22-12/21

This year, people will be horrified by your Halloween costume. They’ll be shocked to find out that you didn’t actually dress up.

Capricorn: 12/22-1/19

Facebook is going to change again! You’ll be really upset. Zuckerberg will drink your tears. Your tears nourish him.

Aquarius: 1/20-2/18

Your friend will say a “your mom” joke to you; he wasn’t joking though. Enjoy your new stepdad!

Pisces: 2/19-3/20

You will be excited to discover why kids enjoy the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. The CIA will try to assassinate you. No one is allowed to live with that knowledge.

Alcohol......

Human beings have many basic needs including food, shelter, social interaction, etc. But some could argue that humans (and other animals as well) have an innate desire to experience altered states of mind. Psychoactive (mind altering) drugs have been a part of human culture for a long as civilization has. The most famous, and perhaps the earliest popular psychoactive was alcohol. The effects of alcohol have been known for thousands of years. Shaman in the amazon use ayahuasca, a powerful hallucinogenic tea to communicate with the spirit world. Native americans use psilocybin mushrooms and mescaline-containing peyote cacti as right of passage rituals. Marijuana has been widely used and socially acceptable in India since ancient times, and the opium yielding poppy has been hailed as a miracle plant. No other natural chemical on earth has been proven to be as effective at releiving pain as morphine has. And it is not just humans, but animals in the rainforest often nibble more often at plants that get then high. In fact, that is how tribesmen discovered these psychoactives in the first place.

But in present day culture, I think that we are addicted to euphoria. Drinking alcohol is justified with, "I like it because it tastes good, not because of its effects". Specifically, the desirable effects of alcohol on the mind are the euphoria and relaxation brought on by a couple of drinks (or the sedation and numbness brought on by a few too many drinks). If people didnt like these feelings, theyw ould not drink alcohol, whether it tasted heavenly or burned your mouth. But almost everyone can universally agree that these effects are enjoyable. We enjoy having control over our state of mind, and alcohol and drugs are a short cut to good feelings. This obviously becomes and issue when over used, but moderate use of alcohol and responible use of drugs is not always a bad thing. If people had access to real, factual information about drugs, etc, people wouldnt overdose or do dangerous drugs they are not ready for. But, that is just my opinion.

My point is, people love euphoria (the feeling of well being, and happiness brought on by most popular psychoactives) and use alcohol to acheive this. And make no mistake, alcohol is as much a drug as heroin

I Love Alcohol..

Sometimes, I’m truly awed at this wonderful thing we call alcohol. Awed at how, after all these years, it still has the power to make me happy. There are few "sure things" in life, but alcohol is definitely one of them. I can be pretty certain that if I start a night drinking alcohol it’s going to be cheer me up and make me happy.

I recall a period a few years ago where I was maniacally depressed over, what else, a girl. So I went to this party pretty intent on committing suicide in front of everyone there, and I happened to grab hold of a large Royal stag to summon up the courage. This was back before I was 21 and a certain amount of effort had to be put into accruing alcohol So I was coming off my third or fourth day of brain-swelling depression and I started downing the Royal stag. And a funny thing happened: I became happy. I started experiencing the zest for life that I thought had left me forever. Because of sweet, blessed alcohol. So I grabbed the guy next to me and shook him while screaming, "I’m happy, man! Do you understand?!? I’m happy again!" As a result of this epiphany I was able to get over this girl who’d broken my heart and have my heart broken by many other girls in years to come.

But I do think alcohol is the one thing that’s saved me from suicide several times. And all my greatest chick stories involve alcohol. Truth is, without blessed liquor, I’m a simpering fool when it comes to women (as are all men.) But fuel me up with some Jack Daniels unleaded and I’m a walking Lothario. When it comes down to it, romance is alcohol. In fact, one of my most treasured romantic memories stems back to a full bottle of Absolute vodka. And that’s what the devil liquid is about: Sharing. Nothing brings people together like alcohol.

And when liquor isn’t bringing out the tender sensitive side of me, it’s unveiling the next best thing: The psychotic and violent side! I’m pretty sure the property damage I’ve inflicted on the world under the influence of alcohol is well into the thousands of dollars, but hey, ‘itwas all in good fun. (I’m not going into specifics since some of those cases may still be open.) What’s even better than the physical damage I’ve caused with alcohol is the hurt feelings I’ve caused. More than once I reduced people to tears and blown at least a few good friendships. One of my favorite stories occurred when I was wandering around in Mumbai several New Years eves ago. The area was packed and my homies and I happened to pass this chick who was crying in the middle of the street, yelling something like, "Oh my god, I lost my gold watch. That was a present from Sam! It cost a thousand Rupees. So I did the only responsible thing you could do in that situation. I pointed my finger at her and said ,"Ha-ha." (Amrish puri style.) Her response was to grab me and shake me profusely, yelling something like, "Don’t laugh at me you bastard! No one laughs at me. Blah, blah." I was so drunk I could not defend myself and it took her friend to calm her down and spare me her wrath. That was a great night. Later that evening I smashed in a truck window and threw up on someone’s car.

So I’m actually quite surprised at the negative reputation alcohol has acquired. Sure it created the occasional trouble maker or drunk driver. But think of all the good it’s caused. All the lovers it’s brought together, all the music it has made tolerable all the poetry it’s made profound. That’s the great thing about alcohol: everybody enjoys it. No one calls for it’s repression the way they do drugs and cigarettes. Because, despite all the lives it’s destroyed, all the people it’s killed, no one wants to give it up. It truly is a great thing.